The Monster that Lives Inside

I’ve never been a very rash person.

I like to methodically think things through, see the situation from multiple angles and gave it plenty of time and thought. Though lately, I’m not really sure what has gotten into me.

I ordered a textbook for my Business Statistics class I am taking this semester a few weeks back, and when I finally got it in the mail, they had sent me an Indian edition, “for sale only in India, Sri Lanka, Bangledash, and Bhutan.” The text was all in English, but I didn’t know if it was still the same book or not so I shipped it back to get a refund. I decided to rent the book from Amazon (around the same price) and not go through the same company again. I had to expedite the shipping so I would get it in time to go back to Kansas City since I don’t trust the mailing at my apartment.

The previous days and the troubles with my family had been grating on me, so I had everything packed up and was going to leave once I received my textbook in the mail. So I waited. And waited. And waited. It never came. I called FedEx to see what was up – I paid an extra $15 for the shipping so I definitely should have received it. They said it wasn’t their fault, naturally, and to call the United States Postal Service. So I called them and they said it wasn’t their fault, it was Amazon. So I called Amazon and they apologized profusely and weren’t sure why my package wasn’t marked for the expedited shipping when it should have been. They issued me a refund, which I was grateful for, but I was so angry that I still didn’t have my textbook.

Looking back, I was so stupid, but I was so angry for some reason and when I get upset I just cry. I wanted to leave home and get away and I didn’t want to cause any more problems with my mother and I wanted to see Andrew and I couldn’t because of the stupid textbook. I didn’t know what to do. I called Andrew and he suggested either having it sent to Kansas City once my mother received it or waiting for it to come and leave then.

I asked my mom if she would be willing to ship it for me once it arrived and she asked, “Do you hate it so much here that you’ll pay $30 for overnight shipping just to leave tonight?” And me, being upset and incredibly rude, said, “Yes, I hate it here that much.” Other rude things were said that I don’t really remember. I was just yelling and getting out my bottled emotions and I couldn’t stop, even as I could see the pain on my mom’s face. My mom went silent and after a moment told me to write down the address. She then went to the room and didn’t say goodbye.

That hurt. So I threw the rest of my stuff into the car – as well as a box of tissues, because I knew I would need them – and called Andrew. I told him I was coming in that night and asked if he would help me unpack when I got to my apartment. It’s about a 3 and a half hour to four hour drive between Saint Louis and Kansas City, but I didn’t leave until 8:30PM, so I knew I would be pushing it to make it by midnight.

The first forty-five minutes went by quickly. I was still so angry and upset, just wanted to get as far away as possible. And then suddenly, I felt like such a jerk. I knew I had hurt my mom a lot because she didn’t even say goodbye or to drive safely. I knew she didn’t want me to drive so late. So I cried for a good while, quickly wiping my eyes so I could see the road but then having it go blurry once more. I couldn’t take back the words I said and I was far enough out that I couldn’t just turn around. It was all done for.

I called Andrew again, practically sobbing, and I explained everything to him. I asked, “Why do I feel so guilty for just being honest when everyone in my family treats me like crap?” He said, “Because you’re a good person.” He then told me to call my mom and apologize. So I did. She was silent on the other end while I explained myself but she said she was grateful that I called and that she was really upset.

I felt better, but only a little. Halfway into the drive, I had to blast the music I was listening to – old country ballads that perfectly reflected my gloomy mood and that I knew about half the words to – just to stay awake. And then I finally reached my home away from home. Andrew helped me bring my things up from the car.

It’s been a few days since I’ve been back. I’ve done some grocery shopping, cleaned my room up, tried to prepare for school starting again next week, but mostly I’ve just watched movies with Andrew and Downton Abbey when he’s been at work (by the way, absolutely fantastic and additcting. I love it.), but that’s only been really to distract myself. My mom and I have only texted and it’s still a bit awkward.

I wanted to get away from home, but the fashion I did it in only made me feel worse and now I can’t even appreciate the distance. Who’s this selfish, inconsiderate monster I’ve become?

12 thoughts on “The Monster that Lives Inside”

  1. Aw, that seems really awful. I just moved away from home myself this week, and while it wasn’t as confrontational as what happened with you, it caused a bit of a fight with my mom. I hope you feel better. *hugs*

  2. Not totally related to your post, but just a pro-tip: most cheap listings on Amazon for textbooks are actually international versions (such as the one you got). They are the exact same book as the US editions (provided the edition is the same) and match up completely. I used a lot of those overseas Indian and Hong Kong versions of textbooks during my college years. They’re cheaper because they’re usually mass-printed, paperback instead of hardback, and sometimes black and white instead of colour. No need to ship it back next time – they’re totally legit.

    1. Thank you for the tip. :) I just wasn’t sure, but I thought it was all a bit shady because it wasn’t mentioned that it was an International or East Indian edition, the description said US. I also ordered it from a textbook company I hadn’t used before, not Amazon, so that made me nervous as well. Next time though I’ll just keep it and save all the trouble.

  3. I too, have problems with monsters inside of me that hurts others especially my husband. My therapist told me that I hurt him because he’s the only one that sees my true emotions and he’s at arm’s length. I felt terrible about it and everything I did behind his back and breaking promises. Of course I promised to amend things and so far I’m doing better but it remains that I have to keep working on myself. So, I totally feel you. Of course, I can’t cry unless I get really emotional but even still, I feel terrible. We both need to work on these things and get in control again. I also learned that it’s never too late to say sorry and amend. Never too late.

    Yeah, I totally feel you about textbooks too! I had a few problems with them and with me returning three like crazy but I got it done and down for my classes, so I’m happy. And yes, Downton Abbey is addicting. That reminds me that I have to finish episode 2 of season 4(I believe?). :3 I hope things get better for the best of us.

  4. I’m sorry that you and your mom had a fight. It was bound to happen sooner or later. You’re not a monster. You’re growing up and realizing that your family is selfish. It’s perfectly natural to be selfish in its own right. You’ve also realized that it’s time to move on and go back to your apartment (which probably was long overdue).

    As far as the order is concerned: I’ve had it happen to me too. They’ve taken my money out for the Mp3 player, tried tracking the Mp3 player down in one of their warehouses, and finally put it back. Then they took it out when they finally found one in one of their other warehouses and it’s now in my possession. Sometimes, things like that gets delayed. It’s not intentional or on purpose. It just happens. Amazon is relatively a good company. I’ve never had any bad experiences with them except for waiting on my Mp3 player. But they are rather great in my opinion. I trust them over any other company.

    I’m sure in time your mom will be back to her normal self. In fact – she may have been hurt as well as you, but truth be told, she knows you’re growing up, and that may have changed things in the house. There’s a lot of tension going on over there and from reading your posts it’s mostly due to the health issues between your family and what not. Don’t stress over it so much and you’ll be fine. I’m sure the things that were said you didn’t mean and same with your mom. It maybe awkward at first, but in time it’ll get better. Just like it did with my dad and I. Even though when Tristan and I finally went up there, and his girlfriend started in on the negativity to see if I would say anything (I didn’t I backed off actually) in return — I started to get anxious and nervous at the same time. Her daughter arrived and put the nerves at ease, but I was ready to go as if I didn’t belong there. Ya know what I mean? Anyway, I hope you get that textbook in time and that you and your mom will have forgiven each other. Take it easy and don’t think so much about the topic.

  5. I’m sorry it turned out that way :( I’ve been in a similar situation and felt really guilty for a while. At least you got your thoughts out to your mom instead of keeping it bottled up the whole time. Maybe things will be better the next time you visit since she knows how you really feel now. I hope things be less awkward over time, and that you both feel better about it soon!

  6. I’m sorry to hear about the problems with the family escalating :(. I hope it’s not as bad now that a couple of days have passed. It’s definitely not cool that Amazon had to create all of these problems with the shipping and all. Hopefully you will still get your textbook on time. If you want to cheat the system, get a free pdf of the book.

    I can’t imagine the feeling of leaving on a bad note. I mean your family has treated you unfairly and you reacted out of that. All of those feelings were bottled up and it’s natural that it happened. I hope things will be mended within time. It’s great that Andrew was there to comfort you. It was the right thing of you to call your mom and apologize.

    Good luck with school!

  7. I’m really sorry to hear about your problems with your family :( I hope things will work out sooner or later. Though I think it’s good that express yourself, it’s not good to keep it inside of you. You did a good thing calling your mom to say sorry. I think it only makes you stronger

    I still hope that you’re going to get your text book on time.

  8. I hope you manage to work things out. Don’t feel guilty for being honest, sometimes people need to know even if it is upsetting for them. It proves that you’re a lovely person for feeling guilty afterwards. Hopefully it gets better.

    And as for the textbook, bloody Amazon! That’s one of the main problems with online shopping, it’s not as quick as just grabbing it from the shop yourself. It better be a worthwhile textbook!


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