I’ve been struggling with a lot of things these past couple of days.
I really miss my family. I’m such a home girl that it’s hard to take the girl away from the home. Today was Becky’s birthday and it really sucked not being able to celebrate her turning 20 today. “What if,” keeps running through my head. What if I had decided to stay home for school? It would be a lot cheaper. I would be with my friends and family. I wouldn’t have to deal with apartment problems and pay for every little thing by myself. It sucks being broke and not having your family and friends around.
Andrew’s car got broken into last night and they stole his GPS, his car radio, his work hat, his road safety kit (which runs about $300), his nursing ID, and then busted his ignition so he couldn’t start the car. I kind of freaked out. He sent me a text and I called him to get all of the details and then when I got off the phone, I just burst into tears. I had just got out of class and was sitting in my car in the parking garage crying.
Why am I having all these apartment problems? Why is Andrew getting his car broken into? Why do I not know what I want to do with my life? Why am I not connecting with the people I know here in Kansas City better? Why do I never get to see Andrew? Why am I not hanging out with my friends here? Why am I so miserable? Why am I so broke? Why is it one thing after another after another? Why, God?
But then I start to think of how enormously blessed I am. Andrew wasn’t hurt, nor were any of his roommate. Things can be stolen and they can be replaced, but he can’t, and I’m so grateful they didn’t try to break into his house or anything. I’m so glad he’s okay. I just got a job, which so far I like. Everyone is friendly and I’m catching on. The apartment problems are being fixed, slowly but surely. We’re actually being compensated by having $100 taken off of next month’s rent.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I have no idea what I’m doing in Kansas City. I think, I should be home with my family and friends and what I know. But then I think, this is where God has placed me right now and where I’m going to be for the next two (or so) years. I just need to be faithful and trust in Him that He’s got it all figured out. It’s so incredibly hard, and I feel depressed as crap all the time, but I have so much to be thankful for and a God that understands and is in full control.
I’ve worked the past six days in a row (including training). It’s exhausting because I’m on my feet all day, but I think it’s good because it doesn’t give me time to think. Thinking just gets me worrying and I have enough to worry about. I’m also a bit sleep deprived and I work in seven hours. Bahh.
Money has been so frustrating lately. I really have been worrying about it too much. I have loans to pay, bills to pay, school to pay for. It’s so incredibly frustrating that I haven’t been able to save any money. I worked full-time all summer and I still am so incredibly broke. I have always appreciated the fact that my family has not been wealthy. We were never by any means poor, but we were working middle class. We had to work hard for what we got – and I’m glad that I have that mindset, that I only get what I earn. But sometimes I wonder how nice it must be for other students to have their parents pay for college and not have to worry about money.
Or not be stuck in a shady apartment.
But then, I feel like I’m just saying, “Oh woe is me!” and playing the victim. My electricity isn’t shut off, we have hot running water. Again, I’ve so much to be thankful for so why am I so depressed?
Just a lot of conflicting emotions and a lot of tears lately. Andrew told me today I was getting bags under my eyes because I’ve been crying so much. It’s so easy to sing praises in the good times, and so easy to not believe in the hard. But God is good, all the time.