Still Miserable

The last month of my life has been the most difficult and challenging time of my life. Things are a little better since my last post; I’m not crying every time I think of my family or home, and I’m not always cooped up in my dorm. However, things are still really hard for me. And I really have no idea why. Tonight is just a night that I’ve been so down and keep tearing up every few minutes. My roommate is in the room however, so I have to keep just taking really deep breaths and act like my nose is just runny every time I got up to get a tissue.

I really don’t know why college is so hard for me. I’ve been on literally halfway across the world for half a month and had no problems. I’ve done numerous mission trips and activities with friends where I’ve been gone from home for relatively long periods of time. Maybe it’s just that I always knew when I was coming back home to them…

I got to go home for Labor day weekend which was wonderful. It was so great to be able to see my family and friends and church family. I might have started crying. x_x My mom drove down with my aunt and sister to pick me, Andrew, and another friend up and bring us home. Then Andrew’s mom took us back. Andrew’s still working on the whole getting a new car bit. I don’t know if seeing my family was really helpful because it just makes me miss them more now.

I’m not enjoying my classes. I’m only taking 12 credit hours (which is not much at all…). I have two classes each day: Monday/Wednesday/Fridays I have French 211 and a dumb freshman seminar class this is a waste of time and money (i.e. let’s learn how to take notes today!). Tuesday/Thursday I have Psych and Honors English. I’m doing pretty terrible in French and I dunno if it’s worse that I’m doing so terribly or if it’s just that I don’t care? I’ve got a quiz tomorrow and an exam Friday, and I just…. I don’t care. It doesn’t make any sense. Which is so freaking stupid because that’s the whole reason I’m here, to get an education and to take classes. I’m just so down that I can’t even bring myself to really try and study. So stupid.

I’m just so miserable for no legitimate reason and I know it’s taking a toll on everything. I don’t want to meet new people. I don’t have the energy to perform well in class. I figured after almost a month into college I would be into the hang of things. I have really good days, and then I just have really awful days where I mope around. I just feel like I’m wasting so much time and money. And with so many people counting on me… But I’ve got a whole year to get through.

Being surrounded by everyone who knows what they want to do and their major is not helpful either. I feel like I’m wasting even more time on classes I’m taking because requirements change per major, and some majors you need to start taking classes for your freshman year. I don’t particularly want to stay in this hell for more than one year, let alone four. I just need to change my thoughts to more positive things, but that’s so much easier said than done.

Here’s to hoping tomorrow’s a whole lot better than today was.

Call Me Ungrateful

I have never been more homesick in my entire life. I mentioned that things regarding college life were looking better in my last post, but I would like to scratch that. For the one night they were, but I’m lucky to make it past breakfast without crying now because I am so absolutely miserable.

I am from St. Louis, which for those of you who do not know, is on the eastern edge of Missouri. I am currently attending the University of Missouri – Kansas City which is on the western edge of Missouri. About a four hour drive from home. When I was looking for schools to attend, I thought that that was the perfect distance. Far enough to get away, but close enough to come home.

Except I can’t come home.

Andrew got into a wreck yesterday in which he most likely totaled his car (still has to hear back from the mechanic) and I have no way to get to the train or bus station and don’t particularly want to fork out $60 for either, round trip. So here I am, stuck in a place I know nothing about, with nobody that I know, attending classes I know nothing about for a degree in a major that I don’t know yet!

If you can’t tell, right now I know absolutely nothing.

So in situations like this where I feel so ridiculously alone and I miss my friends and family and everything about the way I used to live my life, I do what I do best: cry. I mean I can’t even read a text message from my mom or an e-mail from my dad without crying. I posted a status on Facebook about how I could really use prayer and a lot of friends and family commented on it and just glancing at it made me start to cry.

I’m technically enrolled as a French major here, but I already know that that is not what I want to do. So I’m taking this French class which is dreadful. The professor seems real nice, but everything is just way over my head. I’m just completely lost. While I know that it’s college and the classes will be difficult, I didn’t expect this total confusion. So the other night I had a complete melt-down on the phone with my mom about all of this. And she was wonderful as always, saying she believes in me, blah blah blah. But it just made me cry even harder because I didn’t want to let her down but I just want to quit so bad.

I’m just absolutely miserable. I don’t know what I want to do in life, so I don’t know what classes to take here in college and I just feel like I’m wasting my time and money. I know I should be thankful for the opportunity, but I feel so alone and lost. I just don’t think I can last through the whole semester.

So here’s my confession that I hate college and really really just want to go home. But I can’t, which I know I can’t, which makes me cry. And as always, I can’t stop.

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