Category Archives: Life

define: Home

Home. What a strange word. Some people may define it as the place where you live, but others may define it as where your heart is.

For the first eighteen years of my life, I could easily say that my home was the fourth house on the left in a cute, northern suburb of St. Louis. I will venture a little further and say that I considered that home for the next two years while I was away at school. My first two years at college were hard for me, and homesickness wasn’t an unusual feeling for me because I didn’t consider Kansas City my home.

Then, it was like a flip had switched in my junior year of college. Kansas City was no longer this strange land to me. I had planted roots: I had settled on a running route around the track behind my apartment complex and up and around the art museum; my favorite checker at Aldi knew my name and I knew his; I frequented new restaurants and could navigate my way around without having a GPS; I was solving problems on my own and discovering and reveling in my own independence; I found a little known spot with one of the best views that Andrew and I would sneak away to on cool nights just to soak everything in. I knew Kansas City and it was no longer just the place that I lived.

In August, Andrew and I leased our first apartment together as newlyweds. I looked forward to coming home to him in the evenings and snuggling close while we watched movies. While we were already very close when we were just dating, I didn’t realize how different being married felt. It’s not something I can put into words easily because it’s all in my heart, not my mind. I just knew I wanted to be wherever he was.

St. Louis, on the other hand now feels unfamiliar. I’m such a different person than I was in high school so I feel like I’m looking at everything with fresh eyes. I have so many questions that I don’t have answers to anymore. As we are preparing for the move back, it feels like we are moving to a new city. All of the routines I established in Kansas City no longer apply.  

So now, as this strange city has slowly weaseled its way into my heart and Andrew and I have put in some tentative roots, it’s hard for me to say where home is. As May inches closer, I keep telling friends and family that we will be moving “home” to St. Louis, but I’m not sure that’s the correct word to use anymore. St. Louis was my home for about twenty years – and it still holds a special place in my heart – but no, I don’t think it’s home quite yet again.

Yet, Kansas City isn’t quite home either. I’ve spent all of my independent adult life here, so this is where it all happened for me. But in Kansas City, I lack the friends and family that I have back in St. Louis. While I have a variety of friends here, I really only have one that I can talk to on a deep and personal level, and she’s currently working 65+ hour weeks. Here I lack the network of support that really keeps me going, which is why I struggled with depression for a long time here.

If home is where you live, then home is Kansas City. Yet if home is where the heart is, my heart is mostly back in St. Louis with my family and close friends. My heart is also where Andrew is. So where is home currently? Who knows, but I’m up for the adventure to figure it out again.

14 Comments Life - Thoughts

TGIF

I’ve been a bit quiet the last couple of weeks. One of my classes is absolutely killing me. Last night I turned in a fourteen page economic report and in two weeks I have another ten page industry analysis due. Two weeks after that, a twenty page equity valuation report. And this is just for one class. *crying* 

Aside from being chin-deep in income statements and balance sheets, I have just not been in a very good mood. I’ve been really irritable, little things setting me off and then I’m just grumpy the whole rest of the night. When I’m in a foul mood, it’s hard for me to be productive. I think I’m just really stressed out. I’m still learning to manage all the different roles that I’ve taken on, and it’s not easy. On top of my classes, cooking/cleaning/laundry/maintaining home life, work, and looking for a job (which is a whole blog post in itself), (I have also excluded a social life from this list because it is currently nonexistent), I’ve just started planning graduation weekend in May.

While most people cannot wait until graduation, I just am praying I live through it. Andrew and I are both graduating the same weekend, but we are also moving four hours back to St. Louis. Both Andrew and I’s families are coming up for the weekend, so I’ve been trying to coordinate with everyone when who is getting in, and what we’re going to eat and do, and then renting the trailer, and then who is going to tow the trailer. People are backing out and then oh wait! Grandpa’s coming. I want to pull my hair out.

Sometimes I think that I’m doing too much, but I don’t really have an option at the moment. Andrew is just as busy as I am (though he’s doing a lot better job than I am at not being grumpy). I’ve actually been staying late at work because I don’t want to go home and face all of the things that I have to do.

I’m really looking forward to our spring break vacation at the end of the month to Colorado. It will be so nice to be with Andrew and not have every word that is out of our mouth be about work or school. We tried to have a date night last night to take a moment for ourselves but everything just went wrong. I thought Andrew knew how to get to the restaurant and Andrew thought I knew how to get to the restaurant and I was already hangry. Then when we finally got there, there was a group of about 100 students outside of the restaurant, waiting for their tables. At that point I was just done with the evening, so we went home and by that time it was too late to do anything else. So we just went to bed 

I like to keep my blog pretty positive, so I knew if I were to write anything I would just be complaining, and I’m a firm believer that if you have nothing nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all. At the same time, I want to be very real. I want to be very transparent that my life is not always rainbows and unicorns.

I would like to end this post by taking some wise words from Rebecca Black, “It’s Friday.” TGIF.

10 Comments Life