Do you ever wonder if you made the right decision?
Sometimes it’s hard for me to move on. Did I make the right choice? How would have things turned out if I had decided to stay? Would they be better than they are now, or am I just fantasizing better possibilities because I’m not thrilled with the current outcome?
There’s no use living in the past – I understand this. But sometimes I get caught imagining how things would have been and still could be. There’s a thrill in the possibility and in the unknown and there’s this part of me that wants to push out of my comfort zone and surprise everyone – including myself.
But then I wonder, is this me being averse to change? Have I come to this conclusion because comfort is an old friend to me, and I’m embracing what I know? Or am I looking back in regret because I’m so used to this warm familiarity, and wondering what new and exciting opportunities I may have had?
I have really been struggling, agonizing over what I’m slowly coming to realize may be a mistake. I go back and forth over something that I can no longer change because the decision has been made. I cannot go back with the knowledge that I know now and choose differently.
And I wonder if I could. If I had the luxury to go back and make a different decision, I’m not sure that I would have the strength to. Could I deny the obvious logic and details that back up the decision I made to go with the other decision where my heart is?
Or, perhaps there is no right choice. If my mind and heart are pulling in two different directions, does one have to be wrong? Perhaps there are certain things that are wrong about one choice, but other things that are also wrong with the other choice. Perhaps there is no winning between two hard decisions and I’m stressing myself out over nothing. Perhaps if I had made a different decision, I still would be stressing out over whether it was the right one. Perhaps I would be scared and nervous and lonely, missing the comforts of what I know.
But maybe not.
It’s funny sometimes looking back. I once thought that my heart was right here where I am now, but I’m slowly learning that a piece of it is elsewhere, too. How do you get your whole heart back together again? Do you just learn to live with your losses?
Sometimes the hardest part about making a decision isn’t actually making a choice; the hardest part is living with the decision that you’ve made.
But I guess you don’t realize your decisions are mistakes until it’s already too late.