Category Archives: Academia

Call Me Ungrateful

I have never been more homesick in my entire life. I mentioned that things regarding college life were looking better in my last post, but I would like to scratch that. For the one night they were, but I’m lucky to make it past breakfast without crying now because I am so absolutely miserable.

I am from St. Louis, which for those of you who do not know, is on the eastern edge of Missouri. I am currently attending the University of Missouri – Kansas City which is on the western edge of Missouri. About a four hour drive from home. When I was looking for schools to attend, I thought that that was the perfect distance. Far enough to get away, but close enough to come home.

Except I can’t come home.

Andrew got into a wreck yesterday in which he most likely totaled his car (still has to hear back from the mechanic) and I have no way to get to the train or bus station and don’t particularly want to fork out $60 for either, round trip. So here I am, stuck in a place I know nothing about, with nobody that I know, attending classes I know nothing about for a degree in a major that I don’t know yet!

If you can’t tell, right now I know absolutely nothing.

So in situations like this where I feel so ridiculously alone and I miss my friends and family and everything about the way I used to live my life, I do what I do best: cry. I mean I can’t even read a text message from my mom or an e-mail from my dad without crying. I posted a status on Facebook about how I could really use prayer and a lot of friends and family commented on it and just glancing at it made me start to cry.

I’m technically enrolled as a French major here, but I already know that that is not what I want to do. So I’m taking this French class which is dreadful. The professor seems real nice, but everything is just way over my head. I’m just completely lost. While I know that it’s college and the classes will be difficult, I didn’t expect this total confusion. So the other night I had a complete melt-down on the phone with my mom about all of this. And she was wonderful as always, saying she believes in me, blah blah blah. But it just made me cry even harder because I didn’t want to let her down but I just want to quit so bad.

I’m just absolutely miserable. I don’t know what I want to do in life, so I don’t know what classes to take here in college and I just feel like I’m wasting my time and money. I know I should be thankful for the opportunity, but I feel so alone and lost. I just don’t think I can last through the whole semester.

So here’s my confession that I hate college and really really just want to go home. But I can’t, which I know I can’t, which makes me cry. And as always, I can’t stop.

I’m Being Shoved out of my Comfort Zone

I can’t believe I’m writing this right now from my college dorm room, approximately 250 miles and four hours away from home. That thought makes me really sad since I miss all of my friends and family but I’m also really excited. Maybe I should rewind a little bit?

I didn’t start packing until the night before we were set to leave like a pro so I was scrambling around my room, trying to decide what to take and what not to take. It doesn’t help that I wasn’t sure how big the dorm room was (I figured small) or what type of furniture was in the dorm room. So I just winged it because I couldn’t remember from about a year ago when I originally checked the campus out. I packed most of my clothes and really just essentials… though I did bring all my pillows… I couldn’t resist! My mom, sister, and I went shopping for toiletries and school supplies, etc. It was so difficult, trying to pick out things that I thought I would need without knowing what I needed.

I stayed up until about 2:00 AM packing and was making a list as I went along of things that I didn’t have and still needed. So we had to go shopping again in the morning, LOL. It was terrible and lesson learned that I will not be procrastinating for so long college packing. My brother Steven wanted to take me out to lunch afterwards so that was really sweet of him. It was nice to eat with him and my mom and just talk about stuff before I left. Aw, I miss my family. :love:

We had to wait for my dad to get home from his chemo treatment. (And while I’m talking about him he’s doing fantastic! He’s just taking chemo as a precaution so that the cancer doesn’t come back. It’s been such a blessing that he hasn’t had any side effects except for the hiccups, which is pretty funny. :P)

It didn’t really hit me that I was leaving home until everything was packed up, my room was bare (and clean for once) and my parents were waiting for me to get in the car to go. Not going to lie, I started to cry when I had to say good bye to Tabor. I wanted to stop by Becky’s house before we left to drop off a few things and just to tell her good bye, too. I started to tear up then too. I mean, I’m leaving the girl that has known me better than I’ve known myself since the 2nd grade, and leaving the only place I’ve ever called home for my eighteen years of existence. Growing up sucks.

The drive was uneventful, which I am thankful for. Trying to get into the dorm was the most frustrating thing of the day – but that’s just because traffic was backed up from everyone trying to turn into the street the dorm was on. Once we were able to pull in, I checked in, got my keys and we unloaded. Within minutes, a pack (and I mean pack) of guys helped me carry my junk up to my dorm room. And like a loser, with all the guys watching, it took me a while to get the door open. x_x

Walking in my dorm for the first time, I was unimpressed, but now that I’m moved in and settled, I really, really like it. Me and my roommate, unintentionally, have the same exact teal and green comforters and sheets. We both had green lamps and I had a blue square ottoman while she had the same one in green. It was just really weird since we didn’t plan it at all. :P The rooms came with a mini-fridge and microwave unit which is :)

My roommate is really sweet and so far, we get along really well. She’s a Christian, which is an answered prayer for me and we’ve been doing a lot of the different activities together on campus.

The first night I was extremely homesick. It was kind of embarrassing. My mom called me on the phone and I was trying to give the shortest replies I could because just talking to her was making me tear up and I didn’t want to cry in front of my roommate. I’m just an emotional person.  D: Which is actually why this post is a little over do because I couldn’t talk about home without tearing up…But today was a lot better! Andrew, my roommate, and I explored the campus so we knew where certain halls were located and which rooms our classes were in. Just staying out of the dorm really helped. Staying inside my dorm is just kind of… depressing, haha.

Tonight a group of people met up and we played capture the flag and zombie tag. If you haven’t played zombie tag, it is so much freaking fun. It’s just like regular tag, with one person starting it and they’re a zombie. When they tag other people, they turn into zombies as well. So we had all these students running around campus acting like zombies. It was a ton of fun and great to meet some new people! ;D

So while my start to college was a little rocky, I’m meeting a few more people and having a bit more fun. I’m a bit nervous about classes starting on Monday, but I’ll be fine. I’m probably going to go to bed soon because I’m so exhausted! I swear by the end of this semester I’m going to be super skinny with all the walking I’ll be doing on this campus! :P