All posts by Becca

The Consequences of Not Saying Goodbye

It was 5:00 PM. I packed up my things at my desk, put my cardigan on, and headed back to the locker room where the time clock is. There were a bunch of guys from the warehouse in there conversing. I gave a small smile to the guys and punched out, not wanting to interrupt their conversation. I don’t really know any of them either.

As I was leaving, I heard a pause in the conversation, and then a sarcastic “bye!” I wondered if I should have said goodbye to them, but shrugged it off. They were talking and I didn’t want to interrupt. Then I heard in a derogatory, whisper, “Does she ever talk to anyone?”

“She doesn’t talk to me.”

“Why doesn’t she talk to anyone?”

I kept walking, not wanting to hear anything else that they might have to say about me. But all throughout my drive home, their words kept ringing through my head. Was it impolite of me not to say goodbye? Maybe I should have said goodbye? Have a good night? Why is it a big deal that I didn’t say bye? I don’t glower at them. I smiled. That’s like a goodbye, right?

I kept questioning my actions leading up to that moment and far before that. Was it weird that I didn’t talk to a lot of the warehouse guys? I work in the office and I only see them at the end of the day when I’m about to leave. I don’t talk frequently with a lot of the other people in the office except for our receptionist who is probably one of the friendliest people I’ve ever met. I talk just enough to do my job.

And then I started to get really mad. My job pays me to do just that – my job. They don’t pay me to socialize or make friends. If I don’t want to talk to other people – or hey, here’s a thought – painfully struggle through conversations with coworkers who are all thirty years older me and share hardly anything in common with me, why should I have to? Who are they to judge me? They know nothing about me or what I’m going through. I’ve only been there a month – if anything they should have introduced themselves!

I’m an introvert and I always have been. I am just naturally a quiet person. Unless I know the person really well, small talk is kind of difficult and awkward for me. I understand some people can naturally just talk and talk and talk, but I’m not like that. I shouldn’t have to feel like a freak just because of that.

The more I think about the situation, the more it annoys me. If they want to have a conversation with me, they can walk into the office and talk to me. Ask me how my weekend is and I’ll answer you. It’s not like I hide in a corner and don’t speak when spoken to.

Their words shouldn’t bother me. I don’t know what else was said after I left – though I imagine nothing nice – and even though there was nothing inherently mean about what they specifically said, it was how they said it. Their voices lowered just enough so they thought I couldn’t hear them. Snide.

So I can be mad and I can say that if they want to talk to me they can come in and talk to me, that I have no obligation or even reason to talk with them, but their words still sting and a day later I still can’t get them out of my head.

Wedding Planning Anxieties

I have been so wedding stressed out lately. Last night, I laid in bed for hours last night just thinking about all of the things that I still need to do, decorations to buy, things I have to make, questions I need to ask, people I need help from. There are 48 days until my wedding (!!!!) but, good gracious, it might kill me before it gets here. I am just feeling very overwhelmed.

I had a dream two nights ago that I went to have my wedding dress altered and when I went to pick it up, the seamstress has dyed it purple and made it into a tulle romper. I am not good at confronting people or saying no, and I didn’t want to hurt the seamstress’s feelings so when she asked if I liked it, I said, “ It’s different than what I was expecting.” But everyone else absolutely loved it and thought it would be so modern and chic, so I just paid for it and had to wear it like that on my wedding day.

Then I had a dream last night that my wedding photographer forgot about the wedding. I didn’t even notice she wasn’t there until the reception. So she just decided not to come and we didn’t have wedding pictures despite paying the ridiculous amount we’re paying. During this whole photography debacle, my dress turned yellow and I was freaking out – I couldn’t wear a dress that was yellow! So I had to wear a dress someone just went and bought really fast at the nearest department store.

Oi.

My mother and I went to the ballroom Saturday morning. We had a lot of questions about the floor plan and how many people and tables could fit on the floor with room still for dancing, etc. We got them all answered and I feel a little better about that now, knowing that there will be enough room for everything. However, we weren’t planning on doing a seating plan and the lady there highly recommended we do one.

I’m a little bit split on this, though. Two hundred people can sit on the ballroom floor, but then any number exceeding that (we may/may not have up to 50 – still waiting on RSVPs for a final head count) have to sit in the balcony. If I created a seating chart, I could ensure that elderly people could sit on the floor and not have to climb the stairs to the balcony. Also if we are full (the ballroom holds max 250) and a group of people arrive, but there are only scattered seats left, they will have to split up and won’t be able to sit together. Plus I think it will just overall be less chaotic if everyone knows where their seat is.

On the flip side, I then have to choose who has to sit in the balcony and they have to sit away from everyone else/have a harder time seeing everything. Then there are also going to be people who don’t like where I have them sitting and  I’m sure will voice their opinions (*cough*grandpa*cough*). Plus it’s a lot of work haha.

My mom is really opposed to the seating chart, but I’m kind of leaning towards it. Do you guys have any thoughts on this? Have you been to a wedding before where the seating chart was great/disastrous? I have been to both: one wedding it was really nice knowing I had a seat the whole night and it was mine! The other two I had to sit far away from friends and with a bunch of people I didn’t know which was a bit awkward.

Then I think I just need to do what I want to do because it is my wedding and I need to stop trying to please everyone. Ahhhh. My head hurts just thinking about it all.

After we went to the ballroom, we did some shopping for some decoration projects – that was a complete failure. Turns out the small and simple projects I had in mind were going to end up costing hundreds of dollars which I hadn’t  budgeted for. It’s just hard saying no to something that you love and know will be perfect. But I just can’t justify spending that much money on small decorations so I’m trying to find things that I still like that are more affordable, but so far have just had to settle with something that is just cheap and that will work – even if it isn’t cute.

With all that being said and done, I did have a small silver lining at the end of the night: I was ordering some mailing return labels with Andrew and I’s name on it. A friend had suggested I get some that way I can slap them on thank you notes and whiz through them, not having to handwrite our names and address over and over again. I was typing in our names, Andrew & Rebecca Smith, and just had to take a moment and soak in that line and how good it sounds.

And that’s when I knew that all this stress and anxiety and my empty wallet doesn’t really matter all that much – because in the end I get to marry my best friend and I couldn’t be happier.